You know what I just realized?

Sometimes I pour my heart out, into this blog. Maybe I do so I don't have to keep it in my chest. It's safer there, but colder.

Anyways, I thought I'd lighten the mood with a picture. You know, I always take pictures in that same position, it seems.

You know, I'm fucking bipolar

That's what it seems like. One minute I'm happy and carefree, then the next I'm reminded of something, and it shatters.

I have all these feelings for people, from the shortest acquaintance to the most intimate lover, but I can't take any action. I'm standing on a minefield, and every time I test the ground next to me, it explodes.

I know I can't do anything, and yet I feel like the time is just slipping away, and it'll be gone before I have a chance to make things right. Things could be so good, but I cannot make them that way.

Once again in my life, I feel alone.

I thought that by talking with people and learning about them, I might become one. But it seems that this is impossible. I'm a non-person, a non-entity. I am redundant, and expendable. Sure, I might be smart, but there are a million smarter people. I have no talents, and no social status. I'm a proletariat in suburbia. What the fuck?

I honestly don't know what to do with my life. I have such grand dreams, but who are we kidding? People will stop at nothing to corrupt themselves, to stop progress, and to be immoral. I can't see any way to stop it. I can't.

The people I've talked to are similar. They are lost, confused, isolated. Yet, and I'm not sure if this is fear or self preservation, they can't let go of the social forces holding them down. They want to be successful in the eyes of society.

Then there are those who do not, and I love each and every one of them. Unfortunately, they have the worst case of (what I'm calling) Postmodern Syndrome. They are frequently depressed, abuse alcohol, inflict pain upon themselves, and generally engage in self destructive behaviour. I love them. I love them, and I want them to grok; grok each other, and grok themselves. They are people reading this blog, and they know: We need to find a solution to this problem. We need to find a solution to every problem. We have to, because we are the ones who see the problems in society.

This is more a rant than a blog entry, but I need to let it out.

I lie in bed every night, thinking. Sometimes, after the soft sounds of sleeping from my cell phone have made me smile, I imagine. My mind constructs scenarios of warm bodies and soft blankets. God, I wish these scenarios were true. I hate my mind, sometimes, because of this. I hate my dreams, for they give me false hope. I hate my optimism for always being wrong, and my pessimism for always being right. I have so much hatred, I couldn't bear to show it. If I allowed myself to indulge in more than printed words on a screen, I'd tear myself apart.

I imagine all of this, and I shiver. I shiver because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the world, I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of myself, of the hatred in me. I don't want it to show. I really don't.

"I want to be free from desolation and despair."

Dazed and Confused

You know, it's become harder and harder to rationalize my feelings for people. I mean, I have a pretty clear picture of how I feel about some people, but I don't want to feel that way towards them. I know it would just complicate matters. I honestly don't know what to do.

College

Well, I got into RIT, and I'd really like to go. I want to leave my parents and live on my own. Well, I've always wanted that... how sad, no?

I am so psyched. I really am. If not for the terrible spectre of my current situation, I would be jumping for fucking joy.

My dad doesn't want me to go.

RIT is expensive. Really expensive. I don't expect any financial aid from my parents. I'm going to be in debt. I know this.

My dad was never in debt for college. Fuck him. He went to Chico State.

Need I say more?

Time is Running Out

I've been thinking about how we seniors form relationships, and I've realized something: We have half a year left. Then, highschool will be over, and we'll be scattered like leaves on the breeze.

I think we should stop the foolishness of awkwardness, of "does he like me?". We should be more open with each other. There's no reason not to be. If you have feelings for someone, tell them. Spend time with them, enjoy the moment. It won't last.

Don't let that get you down, though. If you spend your time enjoying life, it will be lived. Don't fret over small things, and care for people. There are people that care for you.

For all of you readers, I'd like to say thank you. I hope you continue to read this, and keep in touch, after we're separated. And, to a special someone, I'd like to say thank you. And no, it's not who you all think it is. We're just friends.

Stop.

I really have trouble living like this. People enclosed in their own bubbles, secrets ricocheting in empty hallways, misinformation. I want all this lying to stop, I can't keep up with it.

We lie to our parents, to each other, to schools, to our jobs, to society. We lie and say that everything is normal and good. We say that we're doing just what people think we should be doing. This barrier might provide comfort to some, and to others it might be necessary. To that I say,

FUCK THAT SHIT.

I know I'm being hypocritical here, because I can't stop my own lies, but sometimes... sometimes one just needs to vent their frustration, no? Take down the barrier for a minute or two, take away all the sentiment, the emotions, the memories. Just have truth, laid bare.

Nicole, I know you don't have feelings as I have for you (unless your barriers are quite good, which I wouldn't put past you. You're pretty good at a lot of what you do. I mean that in a good way, of course). Don't let awkward things get you down; there's no point to be angry. I hope I can show you that I can be a good friend.

Jeni, Marta, and Nathan. I know you've read this. You might even still be reading it. You guys are really good people. Don't let silly, temporary things get in the way of your friendships. Seriously.

Jenny, if you read this. You're probably the second most important person in my life. I think, of all the people I know, you'll be a friend I'll have over the years. At least, I hope so. You're awesome.

To any other readers. If I missed you, you're probably still important to me. Don't worry, I've probably got praise to heap upon you.

Good night, and good luck.

I Love Her

I love her. I fucking love her.

I know it's supposed to be friendship, taking it slow, etc etc. But I really love her.

This isn't some hormonal, teen-angst thing. Believe me, I've analyzed, re-analyzed, meta-analyzed, and re-meta-analyzed. And my conclusion remains the same. I love her. I don't know if she loves me, but I hope so.

I'm not going to read into her slightest remarks for some kind of sign. That's rubbish. I know her, I grok her. If she has feelings for me, I know exactly how they will play out. I really, really hope they do play out. She means the world to me, and every day she's gone I feel that much more alone.

She's the best person I know to have a relationship with. Of that, I'm certain. I've weighed my options, and I can't escape the conclusion that she's amazing. I don't trust myself to make the opposite assesment: Am I the best person for her? From our interactions and what I've heard, we're at least not bad for each other.

I hope tomorrow brings us one step closer to the mutual realization of our love.

Warmth and Plans

Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend. Not for any satisfactions of the mind or flesh, but simply for a warm person to lie next to.

I have, am, and will always want that. Someone I can just lie with, and be comforted by their warmth. That might be one of the best feelings in the world - pure contentment.

The rest of this year doesn't matter. My grades are set, my applications are done and gone. I know many people, and I now have social relationships and networks. I am somewhat set in my ways.

So, this year, I've resolved to have fun. I'm going to meet the few people I don't know at school. I'm going to hang out with awesome people. The chances of me finding love at this stage are essentially nil, so I won't even worry about that. Let whatever happens happen. I feel carefree.