The Life and Times of Tsukioka Yosho: February 2008

I'm Cynical. Yay.

You know, I was just reading my last post and I realized: I'm a callous person, sometimes. The scary thing is, I really mean what I say.

I seek escapism, while wanting to be alive. I wish I had friends, I wish I had family. I don't.

I have a small group of people who I trust with everything, and a large group who I don't. Unfortunately, I actually do care about people, regardless of what some people think.

I care about things I've done to people. Yesterday I nearly cried at your (my only reader's) house, because I'm still terribly sorry for the things I did. I care. I try to suppress it, but I care.

I care about the "unwashed masses." I care about the people who don't "deserve it." I care about the people who teased my and attacked me throughout all my life, even when I was condemning them to die in my daydreams. I care about them, and I wish they would THINK, become sentient.

I care about religious people, paranoid people, irrational people. I care about the poor, the rich, the sick and healthy. I care. Is that a problem?

Sometimes I think I care too much, and try to hide it. I try to act as if everything is fine and dandy. If I were a violent person I would have killed many, many people, myself included. I mean, I deserve to die. You deserve to die. All of humanity, on average, deserves to die.

BUT THAT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. "Deserve" has nothing to do with the real world, and should be left to the realm of philosophy. Everything is what it is, NO MORE, NO LESS. Why can't people accept this? Why can't people accept anything?

I wish they wouldn't be such wankers.

Thank God for School Shootings

You know, right now I'm so angry I can barely write. I arrived home at 11:00 pm tonight, which is a perfectly reasonable time. As per my father's bloody puritan views, though, it was "late."

Now I have no car, no freedom, and; most likely, soon no house. Yes, he threatened to kick me out.

I was home at 11:00 pm.

He is, slowly but surely, dismantling all of my carefully layed plans, with about as much subtlety as a madman with a chainsaw.

I'm still nearly quivering with rage. He asked me, "What are you going to do with the next 6 months?"

It took all of my effort not to reply, "try to persuade myself not to stab you. repeatedly."

Seriously, if I weren't a fucking intelligent, clear-minded person, I would be one of those people who shoot up schools. Not saying they don't deserve it.

Here's something to think about:

Relationships as a medium for the level of personal space we give to someone.

If you think about "personal space" like an onion, it makes sense. The greater a relationship we are in with someone, the more layers of the onion they can peel off.

For instance, (in American culture), you can hug someone of the opposite sex and they won't get pissed off, if you two are friends. You can kiss them on the cheek, if you are good friends. You can give them a kiss on the lips if you are "boyfriend/girlfriend" (English still doesn't have a good word for that, so I'll use Spanish). Also, depending on what kind of novios you are, you can do other things (kiss on the neck, "make out," sexification).

This, perhaps, is an answer to the question of why people think of relationships as a status, rather than a series of events (dates). For example, people might go out on dates, yet never have a "relationship." And, the opposite is also true. People can be novios, yet go out so infrequently as to seem like nothing is going on.

The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that I'm both "going out" and going out with someone. Haha, just in time for Valentine's Day? Well, two days off ain't bad.

幸せです。