Instead of talking to myself

So, right. I should blog, shouldn't I? Wow, it's been an interesting few weeks. Relationships, the meaning of love, and such. Today was terrible, but ended really well.

To protect the privacy of the people involved, I won't go into detail, but let it suffice that relationships are interesting.

Today was terrible, and everything I did failed. Up until about 8:00 pm tonight, when I finally had a real conversation with a girl from the internet. She exists in reality, and I'm glad.

I'll post more soon...

Sleep, Presents, Homecoming?

My sleep schedule is such that I should go to sleep at 10:00 and wake up at 4:00. Then I finish the work I have to do for that day, and go to school. Unfortunately, I get to bed at 11:00 or midnight. Damn.

I've started finding presents for people. I hate holidays, but I guess a gift giving holiday is better than a starve-yourself-during-sunlit-hours holiday. I really need to find a good calendar program. Perhaps Google Calendar.

Even though I'm grounded, my dad just allowed me to go to homecoming. Unfortunately, I have no one to go with, nor was given an invitation to go with a group of friends. Oh well. I'll probably slip away to Jason's house for part of it, to play some vigigames.

My Anti-Schedule

Well, due to the misplacement of a cell phone, an untidy schedule, and fascist parents, I have a few restrictions on my actions and movement. As with many restrictions on my actions, I despise them. I'm a nice person, who follows the rules (for the most part). Even though I might carry a knife, a lighter, and medication to school everyday, I am not a threat.

1. I am grounded. Indefinitely. I cannot stay after school for long, and I am generally prohibited from seeing friends.

2. I am not to use my computer for out-of-school things, such as blog posts. Furthermore, I am only allowed to spend two hours on my computer.

3. I am prohibited from going on Chamber's Retreat. Furthermore, I must reimburse my dad in the amount of $170 that he payed.

4. I am generally discouraged to violate any pissant law of his in the future, for he has threatened to bar me from going on other SCHOOL TRIPS, and generally make my life hell.

Eight months...

I'm really a happy, upbeat person.

Fuck you, gravity. Really.

I'm sitting at my desk, covered in papers and cords, trying to write. The yellow light of the lamp next to me is bright, but my eyes have become gummy and blurred by the need for sleep. I feel a weight on my hear, turning my head sideways.

I turn my head to face the computer screens again. It turns back. Fuck you, head. Why do you defy me? There seems to be a loop of cabling hanging from my desk. That cable is attached to my head. The weight of the hanging portion of cable is greater than or equal to the force I exert to keep my head facing forward.

Gravity slowly pulls me downwards into sleep.

Music, Radio, and Movies

So, I've been listening to Muse a lot lately. I don't feel sad, it just warms me up. Especially biking to school in the rain. Singing at the top of my lungs, speeding through the downpour on my bike, I feel good. Except I hate rain when I have very sensitive electronics / books in my bag. Which I do, always.

I recently (today) started using shuffle playlists to get myself to listen to something besides muse. I really need to, it kinda scares me when I listen to something too much.

Anyways, I was on the radio show with Mike 5, Midget, and John. I sounded quite gay up till the part where I talked about Odin and Thor having sex. Then I sounded incredibly gay. Oh well.

Also, I have no idea what's happening tomorrow. If anyone does, please call me. I'll be at the Gent. Club otherwise. My preliminary schedule:

WORK 8-2
GENT CLUB 5-7:30
CHIPOTLE 7:30-8:15
GENT CLUB 8:15-1

If anyone wants to steal me, the Gent Club is at Jason's house this week. (Kittery Ave, right near Cal High).

Also Also, Sunday I'll be in Berkeley. I'm going to see Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance with Jenny. Call me if you want to see it too. It's an amazing movie.

(925) 588-3990

Adios.

Here Comes the Sun

Well, I think I've gotten over my bipolarism. Maybe. I'm a bit optimistic, and I'm trying to think of ways to show her I care about her. Hopefully, if we don't stay together, we'll still remain good friends.

That's something odd about me, I guess. Two of my best friends, who I trust with nearly everything, are ex-girlfriends. I guess it's because I tend to date people who are amazingly awesome, as opposed to what I believe are referred to as "bitches and hoes."

Nicole, I really want to be your boyfriend. I think it'd be an amazing relationship. I'm "smart as fuck," and you're "wicked awesome." Together we're fucking awesome.

Ground Control to Major Tom...

I just realized something.

This feeling, now that my emotions are coming flooding back, I just realized what it was like.

Vomiting. Vomiting and Appendicitis.

It's a pain that is acute, like an inflamed appendix. When I move through my emotions, they are red and garish. It's not like fire, but like hot coals, and smoky.

It comes in waves, spasms that I cannot control. It is vomit, coming out of my heart and mind.

I feel I will be lost in emotion for awhile, so I'd just like to sign out for the night. If anyone feels like talking, please call me. I'm alone.


EDIT: You know what's interesting? My first emotion is abject terror. I wasn't expecting that. I thought it would either be self-hatred or sadness. How strange, emotions. I can barely breathe.

All you need is love

Nicole, don't worry too much. I've been hurt so much in the past that another won't be too bad. Plus, this time I really did deserve it.

I give myself to you, for you to do what you wish. When you have made up your mind, don't regret your action, if it is what you truly want. Even if you discard me like a soiled rag, I'll be joyful that I've touched your hand. Nicole, you are amazing. Words cannot describe how much I love you.

Definitely Bipolar

I'm at the top of the sin wave right now. It's like the clouds have parted and all I can see is my love for you. I'm standing on the top of the world, on the highest mountain of optimism. My entire body courses with energy, shaking as I reach down into the depths of the world, into the wet, blue mists, and take your hand.

I see you look up from your slumber, your internal torment. You open your eyes and look up into mine, and I see you give the slightest smile.

I have my hand extended, from this high, golden mountain, into the blue shadows. I have your fingers clutched in mine. I say a single word: "Jump."

Please come up to meet me, while I'm still on this mountain. I know it's precarious, and I'll soon fall. But will I fall into your arms? My fingers are shaking and my arms have cramped up from typing. All I can think of is:

It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you'll pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around
And instead of falling down
I'm standing up the morning after
Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after

Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says it 'til it shows
See how it is, they want you or they don't
Say yes

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after

Quantitative Hate

Here is a brief glimpse into my mind. This is how I work:

When I'm in this logical, non-emotional state I analyze information, right? And I grok things. I grok myself. I hate myself. This hatred, though, is stronger than any other, because I know everything about the subject of my loathing. It is an interesting feeling.

I have said it before, but I need to reiterate: I am not emotional right now. Imagine Holden Caufield in Catcher in the Rye, or Richard Wright in Black Boy. This serene lack of emotion, which I've so diligently acquired over many years, is much like lucid dreaming. I'm in the calm of the storm, not buffeted by waves of emotion. I suddenly realize that this matter is easily solved and will not matter 10 years from now, like I'm in a dream. I want to get this point across, but others are emotional. They haven't analyzed the waves of emotion, re-analyzed the analysis, and then pondered that meta-analysis again.

Maybe I'm crazy. I feel sane, which means I'm definitely crazy. I apologize for the erratic nature of this post, but I'm starving; both physically and mentally. I think I shall make some dinner and listen to Death Cab.

Basically, when I am feeling emotion, all along in my room at night, I feel mostly hatred. Believe me, there's a lot of loneliness, sadness, and pessimism, but it's mostly hatred. True, unmitigated hate. I believe it was Heinlein who said that, against knowledgeable hatred, normal hatred pales in comparison. When you truly grok something you can love and hate it with a passion rarely found in the heart of man.

Nicole: I love you.
Nelson: I hate you.

The Calm in the Storm

I just got home, then sat shivering outside for a few minutes. Not because of the cold, mind you. But now my emotions are suppressed, and my id constrained. Now I can write.

This is the logical part of my mind writing. This is the part that, no matter how bleak the situation, always seems to find the morbid joke. This is the part that tells me when people are teasing me that it doesn't matter, in the end.

And, well...

It doesn't. If I allowed my emotions to come pouring out in this prose, I might put forth a different oppinion. I'll let them come later. I'm good at "keeping my cool" around others, somewhat. Believe me, I've needed to. Otherwise I might have killed people; possibly myself.

But, back to my main point: We can work through this. We have to. The world hasn't stopped, although it seems like it has. Our (very) strong emotions aside, the only logical thing to do is either:

a) Move on, keep loving and caring for each other as we were. And, though you don't see it, I care for you more than you can imagine. I do.

b) Suicide. (On my part, that is) As suicide will do nothing but wipe me off the face of the earth, it's not that practical. I mean, I might be able to do some good, and help some people yet. (or at least, that's what I've been telling myself for....lets' see, 10 years?)

Nicole, before my emotions come raging back into my head (and words), please let me say this: I love you, and I am truly sorry. This is the single worst thing I've ever done, and I know that no amount of love will ever make up for it. But, if you could find that small amount in you that still loves me, then please let me prove to you that I can be good. Please let us move on and be happy. Being happy with people is the only thing we can do in this uncaring world. Nothing else matters, in the end.

Love,

Nelson

On the Side of the Earth

Sometimes I wish I could just walk out on a lamp pole, out to the edge...



And jump into the clouds.

Eternal Sunshine

You know, I just want to erase it. Big Brother, 1984 style. Make it so it never existed. Hell, erase everything. Wipe my memory of anything past last week.

Sometimes I think the problem with my memory is just my mind trying to kill itself.

An Open Letter to You

I understand that this whole thing can't be discussed in a series of inelegantly worded blog posts, but that's the only time I have to talk with you. There is a lot to say, I guess. I guess I think that if we talk about things and interact on a 1 to 1 basis, things will resolve themselves faster.

I won't say I know exactly what you're feeling, but I think I have some idea. I hope you liked the rose today, and I hope you'll allow me to continue showing you my love for you.

I realize I'm writing this solely to one person. If anyone else reads this blog, I'm sorry. Please comment and tell me to shut the fuck up. Otherwise, I'll continue to write what's on my mind.

sin x =/= good health

You know, I'm becoming bipolar. I've got the guilt of the action inside of me, which in normal cases leads to horrible depression. Whenever I try to take a more philosophical "Shit Happens, get over it" look at it, I become a bit numb. That's good.

Then I see you, and fall in love again. I wish we could be alone for a moment to talk. I wish I could hug you.

But then someone mentions the thing that happens, and the crystal lattice of security I have shatters. I fall down to the depths of depression again.

The period of this type of sin wave is approx. 4 hours. Shit seems to keep happening. Or rather, people keep talking about shit happening. I wish they would move on. Then we could.

I'm damaged bad at best.

Well, these have been the best and worst few weeks of my life. The best, because of someone very special to me. And, the worst, because of someone not so special to me, and the fact that I'm a blithering idiot.

For the better part of the last month, I've been going out with someone. She's really amazing. She makes my day. Our relationship has been very good, and we get along well.

I fucked it up. A lot. Hopefully she won't (or rather, her friends won't) beat me senseless with my own amputated arms. I told her, though. I want to be honest with people, especially when they mean a lot to me. I dearly hope that we can work through this. I do. She means the world to me.

You know I wouldn't even dream of doing something like this again. It makes me physically sick to think about it. I'm sorry.